“We have received a large number of inquiries from highly qualified candidates for this role. At this time, we have decided to move forward with an individual who more closely matches the skills and qualifications required for this role.”
“I know
you have said you are not interested, but I figure that if I just keep asking,
you will say yes to me eventually.”
“Your car’s
transmission is completely shot and needs to be replaced.”
“We met
3 weeks ago, he’s asked for my dad’s permission, and we’re getting married in
June!”
“I appreciate
the time you took to interview in-person with
our team. I wanted to let you know that we have decided to fill the position
internally.”
“I want
to be clear with you that I am not pursuing you romantically.”
These
are the words I have heard and am holding from the last few months. They roll around in my head; they pile up on
top of my heart like heavy stones. I know a thing or two about feeling
disconnected, lost, and without a place to belong. I know about wandering.
“How
much longer, God??”
“I am
listening. I surrender control. What do you want for me to see?”
“I am
afraid. I don’t know that I can take
another rejection.”
“Jesus,
I am angry at you. I don’t know what
else to say.”
Wandering
is a seemingly senseless waiting place.
It is like driving through downtown Detroit with a dead phone and no
map. Every fiber of my being screams,
“Get out of here!!!!” But I can’t. I can’t because wandering is powerless
dependence. It is God’s invitation for
me to remember that I do not make my world work, I do not set the timeline, I do
not pick the destination. The truth is
that I am in His story, which features a cast of Israelite sojourners in a
desert, a Messiah who had no roof over his head, and a nation of Jews who spent
thousands of years scattered across the globe before they were again given the
chance to be a sovereign nation. It seems
“wandering” is a pretty big theme in God’s story, which means that whether you
have wandered or not, you will.
It is
curious, when I looked up that word “wander” in Numbers (ra`ah), I found that
the original Hebrew word talked about grazing in a pasture, being led by a
shepherd, being an intimate companion.
It is used over and over again in the Bible to talk of shepherds caring
for their flocks and of the Lord being faithful to feed his children. It appears that in the Bible “to wander” is
never “to be alone.” If anything, to
wander is a time of intimate connection with God, a time when He is faithful to
sustain and guide us.
If that
is true, then God provides seasons of wandering for a very specific
purpose. I can guarantee that
they always feel too long, like too much hardship, and like too little
adventure or purpose. I can also guarantee that they are times when your Father
and Shepherd is saying to you, “I am here.
I am enough. Your pain and your
questions are not lost on me." He also faithful to say, "I do not answer to you. Walk with me.
Walk where you can’t see, feed on the unfamiliar, trust that we shall
stay here exactly as long as I have determined we need to. Know that I will never leave you and that our
sojourn in the wilderness is evidence of my intimate and personal love coming
for you. Rest. Be. Wait.”
I really
can’t wrap a bow around my circumstances; they feel discouraging and
isolating. I wonder when my life is
going to start moving. I wonder if I
have somehow caused all of this and am irreparably broken. And yet. Jesus is here, reminding me to rest, be,
and wait.
Are you wandering? Are you listening for the Shepherd’s voice in
your wilderness?
Katy Johnson
You can find more about Katy at www.redtentliving.com
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